Courtney Markson is TIRED of being a girl!

So can I just be the Courtney Next Door? Probably not.

But I really am tired of this girl nonsense. In the past two days I have:

• Cut my hair
• Dyed my hair
• Gotten a pedicure
• Bought new clothes
• Returned older new clothes
• Bought new shoes and socks
• Bought new makeup
• Gotten a bikini wax
• Busted my ass at the gym

And I have even kept a happy boyfriend throughout this all. Why did I do all this retarded crap?

Boyfriend and I are going to the beach Thursday night! [technically Friday morning, but 2 am doesn’t count.]

Yeah, so I am spending a week at a resort with the boyfriend on the beach, seriously, it lists distance from the beach as 70 feet. We are really excited. I am also meeting all of his best friends this week so I needed to make sure I looked 100 % when I did so that they can shut their damn mouths and be jealous. AND I am meeting his mother for the first time. Big week. BIG WEEK!!!

So I leave Friday. I am going to get clothes packed tomorrow. Thursday I will pack up all of my makeup and hair stuff after I do my hair and makeup. I will charge my phone and blue tooth and pack chargers away. I need to get my carry-on bag ready. Then Friday morning at 4 am I leave for the airport. I sleep in the airport. I sleep on the plane. I sleep for half of the two hour drive to the resort. The other half is spent on makeup. I am going to check in, get dressed, one final primp and then I am going to meet the boyfriend in the lobby. I haven’t seen him since June 25^th. I miss him! Then we will play on the beach, I have never been and he has been heaps so he is pretty excited to see how much I act like a little kid. We’ll be playing in the water, burying me in the sand, and other beach things that beach people do.

I’m really excited. 2 days! Tonight I am going to do some last minute laundry. Things like lingerie mostly. I just bought heaps of adorable new thongs and boyshorts. I have a major love for lingerie. I will admit it. I love it almost as much as I love makeup! If you only knew how ridiculously much that is. If you only knew.

So who has been to Myrtle Beach? I’m staying at the Prince Resort. Let’s all go!  

Courtney Markson; Throwing the Fish Back to the Sea

There are heaps of fish in the sea; you’ll find one you like. And you will also catch like 5 trillion others that you do not like, do not want to talk to, do not want to look at, do not even want to admit you caught.

I was hanging out with my BFFL & her boyfriend last night. Third wheel? Yeah. He was. He is not my type.

He is a vegetarian.

He is quiet.

He is always confirming and approving everything with his girlfriend.

He is not opinionated.

He lives in California.

And I eat raw hamburger (yeah…for real…it’s gross but to each his own, you love Jesus, I love raw ground hamburger dusted in salt and pepper.), I am loud, I know what my boyfriend does and doesn’t like/approve and I don’t need to ask, I am highly opinionated, and I dread California.

But he is…sweet. He likes her. I’ll write about how she feels after they break up. Some weird friend loyalty guilt thing that comes along with being a confidante is tugging at my soul…it’s a girl thing.

He took ten minutes to decide he wanted a salad at dinner. This was after I told him that I was paying and that he would be ordering something and not just picking fries off of my friend’s plate. Then it took 5 more minutes to choose between salad and Caesar salad.

Later that night we met two of my friend’s friends. They were planting fake copies of made up video games around game stop. Classy. These two were annoying and I kept trying to escape them and kept failing.

This is how the math worked out. Boyfriend and Girlfriend cancel each other out = 1 girl < 2 boys = these two guys think they have twice the chance of successfully flirting with me. I shot them down faster than a duck in duck hunting season that was born hot pink and lives in a bush at Duck Hunting University. One of these awesome gentlemen was tall, blonde, tan, and a self proclaimed hard ass. The other was a short, red head with long hair, very white, very touchy, and a self proclaimed Gang Banger…you can not make that up.

Hard ass’ real name was Wesley; I shook his hand and informed him that I knew three Wesleys, and they were all girls. I spent the rest of the night calling him Michelle, and Carrie, and he stopped talking to me when I called him Heather.

I asked my best friend to go with me to the bathroom, GIRLS ALWAYS DO THAT OMG OMG OMG because we are talking about you. And we did. And Gang Banger hopped in between us, literally, and asked if he could join us for bathroom sex.

“You know, you’re a cool guy and everything, super cute but yeah you look like my little brother…a lot.”

I know. The only thing worse than being friend carded is being brother carded. Friends can come with benefits. You can’t shake the brother card.

Later that night, Hard Ass decided it would be a fantastic idea to call his 23 year old brother for a chat. He tried to get my best friend to talk to him on the phone, and she is shy, so I grabbed the phone instead. My best friend and I sound identical on the phone. Our boyfriends can’t tell us apart, it’s a nifty trick. So we talked to him for ten minutes and switched between the two of us. Finally he starts talking about all this money, his brother talks about how hot this man is, etc etc. Too good to be true.

I sent him a picture of myself and an hour later received his picture. Let’s just say if Snow White had sent a strange man a picture of herself, she would have received the blonde hunchback of Notre Dame’s picture in return. 

He even said I was “wreckable”. I returned the compliment and told him he looked wrecked. I don’t know why he stopped texting me. I was really disappointed because Hard Ass was pretty hot. Guess he got the good genes.

Never the less, I spent the end of my night falling asleep on the phone with prince charming.

Courtney Markson Ruined a Stranger’s Baby Shower

On ACCIDENT!!! I was minding my own business at work and someone was having a baby shower in our banquet hall. Now first of all, I didn’t single-handedly ruin this shower, they did a pretty good job of doing so on their own.

It was supposed to be a party of 50.

Then it shrunk to a party of 25.

Then it was a party of 15.

5 showed up on time.

3 more were late.

Anyways. Before the party, the host was setting up and they were bringing in giant clear bowls filled with white Styrofoam balls and yellow duckies were sitting at the top of them. Bowls and bowls of these ducks. For 4 hours those ducks taunted me. I wanted one SO bad. Ducks are adorable, did you know in Spanish, duck is Pato…so little duck means Patito. Pat-eat-oh. CUTE!

So FINALLY…I grabbed the server and told him how bad I needed one of those ducks. I know. I have no self control. There were 5 million ducks and I couldn’t deal with it. I just wanted one duck. So I bet him that he couldn’t just swipe one of the million ducks. Boys are so dumb, not 30 seconds later he is in the room to swipe a duck. If someone was asking you to steal a duck- would you really steal the duck just because they bet you couldn’t? You can look between your legs for that answer.

So after a minute, he returns, basking in his duck thieving glory. I take my prize and look on the back, I see this little foot sticker. I thought it was weird, and hid my new friend.

30 minutes later he comes back out.

“Hey…do me a favor and hide that duck.”

“I did, why!?”

“They’re looking for it. They can’t find it and I told them I might have picked it up with some trash on accident. Just keep it out of sight, don’t do anything stupid.”

“Why are they looking for that particular specific duck?”

“It’s part of their game. They were supposed to give a prize to the person who found the duck with the sticker on the back..and that’s how they were going to reveal the baby’s sex.”

“Oh my god!”

“I know! What are the chances I would grab that duck! That is awesome! “

It is not awesome. I felt kind of bad…but I kind of don’t feel that bad because it is a plastic yellow duck and they play a thousand games at baby showers and the mother-to-be can console herself with the trillion gifts and free party she is getting.

By the way, she is having a girl.

Good thing too, boys are dumb.

:]

This all happened yesterday, and today is my day off! I think I will go try out my new gym membership.